· Thank God for the IRS - Without them I'd be stinking rich!
· If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
· Nonconformists are all alike
· Horn broken - Watch for finger -
· Hug your kids at home - belt them in the car!
· My honor student fired your stupid kid
· Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
· I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
· Don't Piss me Off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
· Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
· CAUTION : Driver Singing
· My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
· Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
· Don't steal.. The government does not like the competition.
· Women Like Simple Things In Life......Men!
· Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
· Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
· When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
· Hang up and drive
· YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
· Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
REJECTED HALLMARK GREETINGS:
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive.... Do you regret installing Win 95?
8. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?
Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to
hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
You might be a child of the 80's if...
you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there"
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language
Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to annoy you by calling you "sir" or "ma'am"
you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video
you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song
you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age
you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica"
songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day
going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up
you're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married
When somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end
you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend"
you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"
while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again
you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was
you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it"
you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time
you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
- "When I was younger"
- "You know, back when..."
- "Because I SAID so, that's why"
- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from
you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm
"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance
the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna
there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter"
you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons
you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time
(guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats=
(girls) you thought Shaun Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo
you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party
you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility
you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for
you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires
your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"
this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. .... Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there......Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.
you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all
you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree
you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more
(mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first
you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now
you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man
you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital)
you know who shot J.R.
this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
You thought the Dukes of Hazard really had a plot
or you thought the Dukes of Hazard were a REAL royal family
The Great Unanswered Questions
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You only
think we are.
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
(Sorry guys, but theyr'e true!!!)
"Let's take your car."
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures
and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with
chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
"You look terrific."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
"I like you more than my truck."
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
See?? Diddn't I warn ya????
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS!!
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them all out
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
6. Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
7. Make a to-do list of things you've already done.
8. Dance in your underwear in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him to preschool as if
10. Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals
11. Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them off of the top
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it all the next day.
15. Pay your electric bill in pennies
16. Drive to work in reverse.
17. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of Gilligans Island during that important finance meeting.
18. Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a frozen steel guardrail.
19. Polish your in-laws car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for hidden messages
21. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Lie on your back eating celery.....using your navel as a dip dish.
25. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
26. Make up your own language and ask strangers for directions.
27. Play a rousing game of Ping-Pong with a billiard ball.
28. Spread your peanut-butter and jelly on the outside of your sandwich.
29. Drive to work. Go to the employee pay phone. Call in sick. Go home.
30. Pay your Mastercard with your Visa.
31. Take the next telephone solicitors home phone number and tell him you'll call him at home later.
32. Go through a fast food drive through and order a whole meal one trip at a time.
I'm tired because I'm
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This
leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading a humorous web page.
My Top 10 of Bloom County
CLICK HERE FOR BOO-COO LOADS OF JOKES IN TEXT FORMAT
Will be updating this page with other "LAFFS" so highlight, copy, and paste to your heart's content! Just don't eat the paste!
This page retouched last on:
DISCLAIMER: This page is intended only
for humor, and not intended to insult, humiliate, or